Windsor man relieved that double-chocolate donuts are still essential

Windsor, ON – Four weeks into the latest pandemic lockdown in Ontario local man, Karl Fritz, was relieved to find out that he could still get a six-pack of his favourite donuts at the grocery store. “I’d been hearing that they were roping off sections at the stores to limit what you can or cannot purchase.   You have no idea the feeling of relief that swept over me when I realized I could still get my donuts” Mr. Fritz said on Wednesday as he exited the store.

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Garden gnome lists shed at $118,000 in red hot real estate market

Windsor, ON – A local garden gnome, who goes by the name Curtis, listed his shed for sale in the Fountainebleau neighbourhood on Windsor’s east-side at a staggering $118,000 on Friday morning this week.  “I’m seeing how hot the real estate market is and I think it is time to cash-in” Curtis said prior to listing his home.

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Muted 2021 St. Patrick’s Day celebration finds Windsor man drunk at home

Windsor, ON – Every year on March 17th when everyone is just a little bit Irish Brad Owens, age 63, of Windsor heads out on a pub crawl to celebrate but due to COVID-19 Mr. Owens 2021 St. Patrick’s Day plans had to be altered. The once-a-year Irishman explained “I’m usually downtown at one of the pubs yelling at Tartan Army to play Danny Boy by noon hour every St. Paddy’s Day but this year I’m at home.”

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Local dog to petition court for name change

Windsor, ON – A dog living in the east-end of Windsor announced today that he plans to petition the courts for a name change.   When speaking to gathered media the two-year-old canine explained his position “Spot?   Seriously?  I moved in with these people last year and they started calling me Spot.  Why?   Because I have a spot on my fur!  What a stereotype!   How lazy can they be?  After consulting an attorney I feel I have no other option but to pursue this matter through the courts.”

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Local man realizes he is old after not recognizing Super Bowl halftime show performer

Windsor, ON –  Two minutes into the start of the Super Bowl halftime show Kevin Wilson, age 51, of Windsor realized he was old and somewhat out of touch.  “It came as a complete surprise to me.  I’ve always considered myself kind of a hip guy but I had no idea who The Weeknd was or any of his songs.  In fact leading up to him coming out on stage I thought The Weeknd was probably a group like The Beatles or The Foo Fighters” a downtrodden Wilson said after the game ended.

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