New study shows bacon is better than broccoli

Windsor, ON – In a surprising new study local experts have declared bacon to better than broccoli. “We spent at least two weeks researching this and did a blind taste test among several demographics.  Fourth, fifth and sixth graders were part of our study and bacon won out every time” announced science fair participant Kenny Tyson, age 11, of William G. Davis public school.
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City Councilman suggests Windsor should opt-out of future Cinnabon stores

Windsor, ON – Councilman Frank Edwards announced today that in his opinion Windsor should opt-out of having future Cinnabon stores in the downtown core. “There is the location at Devonshire Mall and four other Cinnabon stores within driving distance in the Detroit area.  I don’t feel there is a need for a Cinnabon store in downtown Windsor” Edwards said on Monday.
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Local man struggling to come up with something to be offended about this holiday season

Windsor, ON – James Gibson, age 38, from Windsor is not having a very good holiday season. Mr. Gibson hasn’t seen anything that truly offends him on television or social media this year.   “Most of my friends have complained about something but I just can’t relate.  It’s very frustrating to not have something to bitch about during the holidays”.
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Jumbo-Cabbage harassed about recent weight gain

Windsor, ON – Sitting quietly in the fruits and vegetables section of a local grocery a Jumbo-Cabbage reports he has gained a significant amount of weight since the summer. “I stopped going to the gym and developed some poor nutritional habits but I thought I could drop the excess weight by getting back into exercising but the results aren’t there so far” the Cabbage said on Wednesday.
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