Windsor, ON – It has been close to three years since Windsor’s infamous Penis-Bush Bandit has struck and Windsor resident Jeff Morris is hopeful for a return. “I’ve missed seeing my hometown mentioned on Jimmy Kimmel and Steven Colbert’s shows. We were in the news a lot in 2013 for our penis bushes. It was a fun time for Windsor” said Morris lamenting a lack of ridicule directed at the city.
Much like the Zodiac Killer the Penis-Bush Bandit was never apprehended. In 2013 shrubbery along the riverfront was re-shaped to look like a giant penis and after reaching some notoriety the Bandit then completed what many consider his masterpiece spelling out the word “P-E-N-I-S” in giant letters at the riverfront by sculpting garland on November 27th, 2013. The bandit then went dormant. “It’s been three years and we haven’t heard from him. Where is the Penis-Bandit? Who was the Penis-Bandit?” questioned Morris.
“Sure Windsor has had other scandals like the library porn show and the 30-year old high-school basketball player but the Penis-Bush Bandit, he was one of a kind” said Morris while thumbing thru his penis-bush scrapbook. In an homage to the Bandit Mr. Morris spent this past summer sculpting the shrubs in his backyard to look like penises but the results were disappointing “When I finished they looked like they needed Viagra”.